She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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