She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
