my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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