Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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