Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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