I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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