He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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