i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
