So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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