Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
