i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
