You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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