OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
