why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Four minutes until I can fart!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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