i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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