I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
