Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
