someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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