Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
