Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
