Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
