I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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