im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
