apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
