After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
