1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize