Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize