Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
