My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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