If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
pop tarts are not kleenex
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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