Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
