I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
