No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
