Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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