Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Randomize
