the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
