At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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