Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
