I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
