am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
