nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
