I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
