you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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