You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
