Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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