her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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