i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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