I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
