Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
