the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
