I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize