Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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