Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
