I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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