You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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