My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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