Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
And then he peed in my hair
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