Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
