Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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