i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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