guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
