shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
