Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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